Relationships, friendships or intimate are often drawn out longer than they are meant to last. We get comfortable with the dynamic of the situation, and the structure of our lives because of them that we refuse to recognize when the relationship is coming to a close. I’m using us and we because this has been my life for twenty one years (I’m dragging it but it might as well be) in multiple different relationships and I’m sure somebody can relate. I remember during my younger years being with guys and knowing that I shouldn’t because they were either sneaking behind my back or just not meant for me; I’ve even had friends that I knew were bringing me down and I continued to hold on and nurture that friendship anyways. What I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older, and is something that I’m still working on accepting and implementing, is that everybody isn’t going to be the same type of loyal. What loyalty is to you in a relationship or friendship isn’t always going to be translated or reciprocated by the other individual. It is also important to remember that no one will remain the same person as whenever you met them, we are all constantly growing every year, every month, every week, every day. Learn to accept and understand people for who they truly are rather than who you expect them to be, but do not force people into your life that you do not truly value and benefit from.
DO NOT TOLERATE
People that talk shit about you behind your back
Things will always get back to you somehow someway, trust me and if there’s ever a time you find out that someone you consider a friend is talking negatively about you behind your back thats not someone you need in your life. Any person that truly cares for you should have no problem being honest with you about their opinion of you if they’re looking to contribute to your betterment; talking negatively about you behind your back just shows that the bond isn’t real. And even within an intimate relationship, you find your boyfriend/girlfriend talking negatively about you behind your back the love isn’t real and y’all just shouldn’t be together.
People that pressure you to do things you aren’t comfortable with
Once you’ve told your friends or whoever “no” like twenty times but they keep trying to coax you into doing something you’re just not into constantly then that is not someone you need in your life. Respecting and accepting someone for who they are includes understanding that they do not have to comply to what you want from them and if your friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend can’t respect that or are always trying to constantly convince you to do something you’ve been vocal about not wanting to do, then y’all just aren’t on the same page and that’s fine but you don’t need them in your life either.
People that aren’t supportive
The most important thing in any relationship after trust is support, in my opinion. If your friend or lover doesn’t support you in your goals, achievements, struggles, and every way possible then they don’t need to be in your life. We are now at a point in life where we are trying to build ourselves however we see fit. Whether you’re trying to start careers, aiming for certain jobs, gathering new knowledge, or whatever your level up consists of, if they don’t support you as in encourage or motivate you then what purpose are they serving in your life? You need people that want to see you win in order for you to win, surround yourself with positive energy (and work hard for it of course) if you want to surpass what you’ve dreamed for yourself.
Any behavior that you feel doesn’t represent who you are or want to be
I believe the saying “show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are” is very much true, the friends and even the lovers you choose says a lot about who you are. So, let me break it down to you from my understanding: the people who you are constantly around says a lot about who you are because for one, obviously you’ve picked them; out of all the individuals you’ve come across in life you chose those people over others. But on a deeper level, once you’ve chosen people to be in your life and you’re constantly around them you tend to become them, characteristics transfer between the them and you. You adapt their way of thinking, you adapt their way of talking, you adapt their way of dressing, their behavior, and so on. It’s pretty much inevitable, so look in the mirror or look into yourself and figure out who you think you are and/or who you want to be, then observe the people that surround you. If the people surrounding you don’t correlate with who you are aspiring to be then you need to change the people around you because it’s only going to hold you back.
WATCH OUT FOR
People that gossip about their other friends
I do not care what anyone says, any friend that gossips about another friend to you cannot be trusted regardless if that’s your best friend and y’all knew each other from diapers because I just feel like that shows that they can’t keep a secret. Unless the information is relative to your life in some sort of way it shouldn’t be information to be shared with anyone else regardless of the level of y’all friendship. Not saying that you need to cut that person out your life but you know, just watch what you tell them. If you don’t want something to become public knowledge or to be spread to anyone else then don’t tell the person that loves to tell everybody’s business.
People that are friends with others that dislike you or your haters
This is a big exception for me, the only time it’s terms for cutting someone off would be if they befriend a hater knowing they dislike you for no real reason or don’t want to see you succeed. But even in the instance that they are friends with someone that became jealous/envious of you after they already formed their friendship you need to watch them because if your name comes up in conversation what are they saying? I feel like you should never force anybody to cut off someone you aren’t cool with or that isn’t cool with you if they have no genuine problem with them, however in the situation that your name comes up in conversation and they don’t shut that ish down immediately, they can’t be trusted. In the words of Fab (the rapper): “Don’t tell me what they say about me, tell me why they feel comfortable telling you.” But at the same time, your friend shouldn’t have haters for friends because they’ll eventually become one.
YOU SHOULDN’T BE WITH THEM IF
They can’t be honest with you
Honesty is key in an intimate relationship and if they can’t be honest with you then they don’t care about you. I don’t care about that bullsh-t excuse people love to use saying oh “I lied to you because I care about you, I don’t want to hurt you.”, that’s complete nonsense, they’re really just trying to preserve how you view them so they can feel good about themselves and reduce their guilt, once you find out the lie that’s just the go to line to try and save they ass or at least that’s how I see it (somebody debate otherwise). I feel like shit can happen in a relationship and people can make bad decisions, some more acceptable than others, but if he/she is okay with hiding things from you then it’s an issue because lack of honesty creates a lack of trust which leads to insecurity and then the relationship will go downhill from there. Always request honesty from your lovers, and even your friends in order to preserve the positivity and value of the relationship.
Everything is about them
There are two people in the relationship so at no point should anything revolve around one individual. Once you come together you are looking to compliment each other, to add to one another’s happiness and if you’re with someone that is trying to control you and the relationship in order to make them feel comfortable then that is not someone you should be with. A true relationship is about learning how to be with someone, compromising, not making someone change who they are in order to please you. If your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t understand who you are and try to compliment that then you shouldn’t be together. Furthermore, if they cannot respect and love you for who you are then you don’t need them.
Your happiness is unimportant
Pretty much the same as the last point. When you get into a relationship individuality is not a thing of the past, you are two separate individuals in a single relationship meaning you are who you are and they are who they are. You should never change who you are or give up what makes you happy in order to make someone else feel good. Additionally, if seeing you happy doesn’t ease or please them then how much do they really love or care for you? Are they happy themselves? Will they become jealous or envious? These are all possibilities within a relationship where your happiness isn’t valued. Remember the saying “misery loves company“.
We’re past the high school and below years of friendships, we are no longer in our teens so there is no reason that we should be tolerating “childish behavior” from anyone in our lives. It’s time to cut people off the moment you’re unhappy with the relationship and stop thinking longevity is equivalent to loyalty because when it comes down to it, anyone can f-ck you over at any time. Don’t hold people on a pedestal. Don’t put anything past anyone.